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JUNE

The Magazine that Keeps America Laughing

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Great Love Scenes

All right, panel; with the
information that our
mystery guest is salaried,
we'll begin our questioning
with Arlene Francis.

Does what you do help

Mrs, Roe, you must be very
proud of your birthday card
from Buckingham Palace?

No, it's a cheap card.
They didn't take pains to
get an appropriate card.

someone or does it make
someone better of? than if
you didn't do what you do?

Interesting People

Whafs My Salary

Learn to swim

American Heroes

Thanks, Johnny.
for that
modest
introduction.

And now, here's Mr.
Genius, Steve Alle h.

TV Programming

JOE SIMON
Editor

JOE GENALO
Production

BOB POWELL

Art Director

DEE CARUSO
and

BILL LEVINE
Femur e Editors
and writers

BILL MAJESKI
and

BILL DIXON
Contributing writers

Volume 3—Number 7 June, 1963

FEATURES ...

WIND UP DOLL CONTEST WINNERS.

We’ve got dolls we haven't wound up yet.

THE FLOOD AND MAYOR WAGNER...

A flood covers New York City under 25 feet of water
and Mayor Wagner appoints a committee to study the
situation. Don’t worry, Lloyd Bridges heads the committee.

DEPARTMENTS .. .

SICK MOVIE REVIEW...

"The Longest Day” used more combat troops than
World War II. If Burt Lancaster won an Oscar for “Birdman
Of Alcatraz,” his acceptance speech would have been
made by a sparrow. Robert Stroud hasn't seen the film about
his life. He'll see it when it plays his prison in 1975.

SICK, SICK WORLD....

A TWA plane flew into some bad weather. The pilot had
a choice of risking a certain crash at Idlewild Airport,

New York, or landing safely at Newark, New Jersey. The
passengers took a vote and chose the crash at Idlewild.

SICKnificant News...

We don’t mind making Winston Churchill an honorary
citizen, but will it end there? You make one former
Prime Minister an American citizen and right away
they ail want to move in.

SICK HISTORY....

Where the hell is Norway? We have a hunch it melted away.
What happened to Luxembourg? The State Department
doesn't know. That doesn't surprise us. We had been fighting
in Viet Nam for two years before Dean Rusk knew where it was.
He thought it was in the Mediterranean. For months, Rusk used
to wave good-bye to luxury liners leaving New York docks.

He thought they were troop ships.

SICIt is published monthly except January, April, July and October by Headline Publications, Inc.*
Editorial and executive offices West 22nd Street, New York 10, New York. Single copy 25c: subscription
rate 12.00 for 8 issues. Second-Class postage paid at New York, N-_Y t , and at Canton, Ohio. Not responsible
for unsolicited manuscripts, and all material must be accompanied by stamped, self-addressed envelope.
Entire contents copyright 19<Si by Headline Publications, Inc. All rights reserved. Copyrighted under the
Universal Copyright Conventions and the International Copyright Convention, reserved under the Pan
American Convention. Printed in U.S.A.

Do you have any advice!
for people on the East
side where the waters
are rising - ?

Yes t 1 do.

ijrre wa/rr 7V .«

Before TV, people used to do a lot of things late at night. We
can’t think of any off-hand but we’re sure they did something.

But today they develop red-eye watching Late Night TV. Life
for these night people goes on-and-on like this:

bail'd

Ipl

k - 1 -

THE STEVE ALLEN SHOW

Tonight we have the
great Ron Cleeder who
just completed his latest
album, "Ron Cleeder at
Robert Hall" You’ll be
hearing a lot of Ron
Cleeder soon—mainly
because on the way here,
he got into a drunker
brawl and killed a man.

People ask me where the
new singers are coming
from. Well, for my show
they’re coming from the
SANE Nvclear Policy
Committee. I take care of
my friends.

And now, here’s Mr
Genius, Steve Allen

I cow- P

Hello, ladies, let me show
you how easy it is to
set your hair with new
Poolies. Take a strand
of hair and wrap it
around a Poolie; twist
and snap. To remove,

. . i|i

THE LATE, LATE SHOW SCENE : Japanese Prisoner of War Camp

Five straight hours of 1 You mustn't crack. If
Andrew Sisters and 1 we lose the war, we
Pinky Lee movies* 1 lose Smilin' Jack and
Those dirty Japs, H Terry and the Pirates,

You remember which
one is the Sergeant? I
have to torture him
again, and I hate to
ask THEM:

They all look alike to me,

BACK TO STEVE ALLEN

I’ll answer some
questions here.

The

white

part.

What part of Turkey
are you from ?

ght now we
ance team
rkey... This
and Zafis Risi

Watch it, fella. Let’s
see your Turkish
belly dance.

Can’t you keep Billy’s
bike out of the driveway. U sS

H After all these months,
stupid, isn’t it pretty
obvious I can’t?

Dear SICK:

Your magazine is very funny, But
in the issue of Feb, 1963 your pun
about Helen Keller was out of line* I
don't want your readers to think I’m
a big creep who wears glasses and
thinks of nothing but science. I like
the sports of baseball, football and
bowling and I say again your mag¬
azine IS FUNNY,

Gerald La Vaute

145 Saint Louis Avenue

Syracuse , N.Y.

ED: Albert Einstein wore glasses and
thought of nothing but science and he
wa$n"t a creep. If he took his glasses
off, he kept walking into a wail.

Dear SICK:

All right, men, we T ve got a lot of
work to do if we are to catch up to
those other magazines. First of all:
Don't write those phony letters in your
magazine that start out like this:
“Hello, my name is Murkamooka
Lotslavoo, I’m five years old and I've
been reading your magazine for 7
years. Teediee."

Foster Osborne
5016 Courtney Road
Columbia, S.C .

ED: Wise Guy!

Dear SICK:

My name is Murkamooka Lots^
lavoo. I’m five years old . ..

Dear SICK:

I like your magazine because of
what it is, I buy it for grins and
nothing else. If I wanted to make a
backyard patio, I'd buy “Better Homes
and Backyard Patios." But I think I'll
stick to SICK, Let's see you make a
smart remark to this letter.

Garry Goodell

Lake Arrowhead Village

California

ED: We get it. You want to make a SICK
patio you can stick to* Have you tried
mixing glue with your cement?

Dear SICK:

Why don't you pay kids a dollar
for jokes and stories? I think it's a
good idea. I need a dollar.

Penny Long
Rt. 3, Box 168
Lebanon , Oregon

ED: You're from Oregon? We thought
pennies came from heaven.

Dear SICK:

I think it is stupid, outrageous, and
lousy to criticize your magazine which
you "obviously put a lot of work into.
Some clods never grow up. I like your
magazine a lot and I will keep writing
until my friends buy it,

Chris Pellikan
3737 N. Marshfield
Chicago , Illinois

ED: Anyone who doesn't read SICK is
stupid, outrageous and lousy. Right?

Dear SICK:

Everytime I get a copy of SICK I
take it to school. During class all my
friends want to read it. Of course,
they get caught and the teacher takes
it away* He always gives them back
after he finishes them. Keep up the
good work.

Connie Davis
1012 First Street
Corning, Calif.

ED: That's how prison guards get to
read SICK too.

Dear SICK:

On Dec. 20th I bought your De¬
cember issue. This made me sick. But
I must congratulate you on finding a
sure solution to the world’s population
explosion. Just drop copies of your
magazine all over the world.

Sefton
Chester Hill
N.S.W., Australia

ED: We've got the planes warming up
now*

Dear SICK:

I think your magazine is the great¬
est, I like the letters page best be¬
cause of the funny things the editors
write at the bottom of each letter
(ED: We like those too). I will keep
reading SICK until I'm 112.

A Fan Forever,

Jim Brear
24 Haig Avenue
Ryde f New South Wales,
Australia

ED: If you really mean it, please send
money for a subscription for the next
100 years.

Dear Sickles:

I didn't know you put advertise¬
ments in your publication. I saw a
note in “Sickcerely Yours" saying
the writer needed cancelled postage

stamps, I collect them, too, but you
don’t see me asking you to put an ad
in for me.

Bill Kelsey
76 Nelson Street
Auburn , N. Y.

ED: Bill, something tells us you're a
trouble-maker.

Dear SICK:

It's your Cleveland friend again. I
still think the same of your magazine.
It's great, wild, wonderful and wacky.
Well, after all those compliments I
hate to spoil it but someone goofed.

20 21

Numbers 20, 21, 22 on your last Place
The Face contest: No. 20 is Raymond
Massey, No. 21 is right (Peter Lorre)
but isn’t No* 22 supposed to be Boris
Karloff? I think you've got them mixed
up. Anyway, after I read the first five
pages of your magazine, I can't see
straight.

Susan Nunsey

1756 Carlyon Avenue

East Cleveland I2 t Ohio

ED: Sorry, Susan, but you're wrong. No.
20 Is Boris Karloff, No. 21 is Pater
Lorre, and No. 22 is James Cagney* And
they say your friends are always the
last to tell you.

Dear SICK:

Attention all SICK FANS* I have
started a SICK FAN CLUB* Ya got¬
ta be well to be a SICK member. You
get: Pen Pals: Motto of Club* “Being
SICK is a pleasure”; Membership
open to both sexes, Write your hob¬
bies. All members are welcome who
have read SICK and feel better. Hats
off for SICK, Drop into my mail box,
anyone liking SICK.

Chaw Mank
Drawer 30
Staunton } Illinois

ED: Drop into your mail box? We'd like
to see how that's done.

Dear Sir:

You have a very funny book. Keep
up the good work,

Joseph Maloney
1094 Woody crest
Bronx f N , Y.

E0: Don't tell us how to run our maga¬
zine.

Dear SICK,

We just want to tell you we’re sick
over your SICK Magazine. We think
it has the most laughs we've ever
heard and weVe heard a lot of them.
Carol Dimitroff & Jane Wertman
117 West Woodside Ave.

Buffalo, N. V.

ED: If you wart to write us, girls, you
have to send separate letters.

Gentlemen:

For a long time I have read your
magazine (ED: Don’t tell us your
troubles ). And it is very good, (ED:
Tell us your troubles). When you
came out with the wind-up dolls, I

nearly flipped. They were great and
for the goons who don't like your mag¬
azine, send them to my address and
they’ll change their minds and quick.
R* Stagg

RT. #1 Molena f Georgia

ED: Okay, R. Stagg of Molena, Georgia;
the goons are on the way.

Dear SICK Sirs:

You must be getting better—er, I
mean sicker. I only found one mis¬
take in your February issue. You left
out the name of that great Tarzan,
Elmo Lincoln, who played in “Tar¬
zan of the Apes'’ in 1918. Other than
that there were no other mistakes on
page 19.

John Martin
605 Bluff Street
Scottsbluff f Nebraska

ED: Would you take a look at page 20
and write us?

Dear SICK, SICK Bunch:

I bought my first copy of SICK a
couple of days ago and I think it's
sick. Your artists are lousy, your
jokes stink, your material is trash. In
other words, I love your magazine,
Cathy Pfeifer
2869 Salenee Street
St. Louis, Mo.

EDi “You always hurt the thing you
love." If we see you, we r re going to
hurt you.

Dear Editors:

I read your magazine all the time
and I enjoy it a lot. In your Decem¬
ber issue in the section called “The
Khrushchev Coloring Book" you said:
“This is Governor Fabus of Arkansas ,
Paint him black ” What did you mean
by the remark: “Paint him black?” I

live in Arkansas and it's a great state
and Governor Faubus is a great and
intelligent man.

ftormy Isom
1609 Ash
TexasRana, Ark.

ED: Yea, but would you want to go to
school with him?

put.

Dear SICK Ones:

How can one group of men
such disgusting junk on paper?

fJ J*8r

Are you afraid of Canadian politi¬
cians? I never see our Prime Minister
in SICK.

Mike Dufresne

1 First street

Wawa , Ontario t Canada

ED: From some of the moves Canada
has made lately, we didn't think they
had any politicians.

Dear SICK:

I just got through reading your
March issue. I also read the other and
I think your magazine is better. In
vour March issue, I liked the piece

called “Karate Class" best. I think you
should publish pocketsize books.

Jeff Charatz
939 Ideal Way
Charlotte t N. C.

Dear Sirs:

I have just wasted 25 cents on
SICK (March, ’62). It is my first
purchase of this magazine, but my no
means my last \ms I'm a fully fledged
clod now (ED: We think you've got
the wrong magazine ). I used to get
that other magazine, mentioning no
names, but the first and last letters
are M and D, and the middle one is
A (ED: That's Saturday Review of
Literature?). I have, therefore, had
the nauseating experience of compar¬
ing them both. SICK comes out tops,
but I think you could take a couple
of ideas from them (ED: We're doing
that now, sister ). One is that all your
artists should fill the open spaces in
your magazine with more doodling. I
have become a regular reader.

John Pick

31 Janies Reckitts Ave.

East Llull, E. Yorks,

England

ED: How regular a reader can you be
—you just read our March issue and
this is a year later.

Dear SICK:

I J d like to know how many back
issues of your cool magazine I can
get, and also how I can get a sub¬
scription to your magazine. You've
got the coolest magazine around.

Janice Lynn Raah
338 Graceford Drive
Aberdeen, Maryland

ED: Janice, we know your brother
Rah, Raah. Subscriptions arc $2.00 for
eight issues.

Dear SICKlings:

Today, I brought home my first
issue of SICK and like always mom
said “don't read that trash." And
then, she said “go out and wash the
dishes." So I come back when I’m
finished and my mom, my own mom,
was reading your magazine. And be¬
sides that, she was laughing so hard
at your March issue on the Y05 mir¬
ror test. Well, now I buy the magazine
out of my allowance and my mom
gets to read them.

Martha Wolfe

3205 West Ridgewood Dr.

Parma 34, Ohio

ED: How can your mom read that
trash?

Dear SICKniks:

Who says that magazines aren't
habit-forming? Since I started read¬
ing SICK, I haven't been able to stop.
Keep up the good work, I especially
like the way you make fun of Presi¬
dent Kennedy.

Isaac Pachulski

735 North Kilkea Drive

Los Angeles, Calif.

ED: SICK has a pocketbook, “Incurably
SICK," published by Avan.

ED: Which President Kennedy? Jack,
Bobby or Teddy?

THE WORLD (ours)

SIG¬

NIFICANT

NEWS

EVENTS

Art by Bob Powell

W e’re just bubbling with news! First, for two weeks, Phila¬
delphia was without newspapers. There was no strike. They
just didn’t have any papers because so little was happening. In
New York, Radio City Music Hall reported one of the Rockettes
was missing from the chorus. One matinee they sent out 107
Rockettes and only 106 came back. To make matters worse, they
don’t know which one it is. All the Rockettes look alike. Cuban
planes attacked a shrimp boat manned by Paris Jackson and
Benjamin Washington. The men were asked, “Were you both
named after U.S. Presidents?” They replied, “Which U.S. Presi¬
dents?” in London, a bird will portray Prime Minister MacMillan
in a new play. We understand the London Branch of the SPCA
is happy as a lark about it. In London, Georges Bidault, former
premier of France and now head of The National Resistance
Council, appeared on a BBC TV show. Interviewer Roderick
MacFarquhar asked Bidault to explain the purpose of the CNR
movement. Bidault replied: “To bring peace and tranquility to
France, sanity to government , stop nuclear testing and outlaw
war as a means of diplomacy” “What is the first goal of CNR?”
the interviewer inquired. Bidault responded with: “To murder
Charles DeGaulle.”

Headline: REVOLUTION OVERTHROWS IRAQ’S KASSEM

We’re convinced there is a company that runs revolutions in small
countries. We imagine they’re responsible for the one in Iraq, too.

SCENE: Revolutions, Inc., Office

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: r^v^Vo
.: Jb'^X. \

■&■ ■■■■-■ 'i .■■■ +■'.■

siissiii

After the assassination
we’ll have to show his
body to the populace on
TV to prove he’s dead.

That’s not going to be
easy. What do we do ?
Have an announcer say:
“Mr. Abdul Kassem
never goes to bed with a
eold” and then pull back
the sheet?

No, no, we’ll just show
Kassem’s body and then
say: “The preceding
program was brought to
you as a public service.”

After his TV appearance,
we’ll give Kassem a
military funeral—we’ll
bury him in a cannon.

By all means. The man
we’re putting in power
has seven brothers.

What form of govern¬
ment will we institute
in Iraq?

That’s no good. They
already have a Consti¬
tutional Monarchy. You
can’t replace one Consti¬
tutional Monarchy with
another Constitutional
Monarchy.

How about instituting an
Unconstitutional
Monarchy ? Does it have
to be a Monarchy?

He either has to rule a
country or open a
furniture store.

How about a Constitu
tional Monarchy ?

Cape Canaveral - MARINER II DISCOVERS TEMPERATURE
ON SURFACE OF VENUS TO BE 800 DEGREES

A person could live on
Venus, but he'd sweat
like a pig.

I Would you say human
life is still possible on
the planet Venus?

y :7 •

■ j

• ■

jgj^3=^s.

WHEN he digs first shovelful of dirt for new hospital

;Ng one, El
Presidente,

Then, what am I The ne 1
I digging for? § Ei P;

Okay, but I don't think
you're gonna find it
under here.

Who are
we burying?

Hfil

P |2

■I

:§ pi ill:

nil

fijll

tffyVA

WHEN he met the Kennedys

SCENE : mite fftmse.

El tundo,
gratis la buno
hasitus et
America.. .

This is your wife?

And she can’t speak
English?

Welcome to America,
Mr. President. I’d like
to introduce my wife.

This is the wife of the
President of the United
States ?

WHEN he makes a speech

You can fool around
some of the time, but you
can’t fool around with
people ... I mean, you
can play the fool with
some people-

They say I’m the South
American Abraham
Lincoln. Or was it
Grant? Anyway, the
score is four and seven-
whose favor? A house
divided against itself is
a split -level home ...

ONLY $116 FOUND IN KATANGAN BANK;
MILLIONS DISAPPEAR

ELIZABETHVILLE—The National Bank of Katanga is broke and
no one knows where the money went. U.N. financial experts found
exactly $116.28 left in the bank which once held between ten and
twenty million dollars. U.N. officials are questioning the bank’s
president about the loss.

SCENE : Katangan National Bank. Office of the President. U.N * Official is questioning him.

j-iy:

y\" ; ■

■TtM'

$20 million dollars is
missing from your bank.
What do you have to say
about it?

What did you think when
you discovered $20
million dollars was
missing from the bank?

Do you have frequent
bank robberies here?

Well, you can't watch
every penny.

I thought it was just
another bank robbery, r

Oh, yes. We had so many
robberies, we had to open
a window marked "For
Bobberies” so they
wouldn't interrupt the
daily routine business
of the bank.

Do you suspect any of
the employees of the
bank?

How Jong have you been
president of the bank?

Where is the last
president?

Don't you think it's
strange a janitor should
be m ade bank president?

IPl lllli m Y f&ther always
gill |I||| told me: "Some day
Y ouT ll grow up to be

Abroad. I have a post¬
card from him from
Switzerland. See—on the
front he put "X” murks
my room ,

What was your last
job in the bank?

I was the janitor.

nil

la;t,

"!' A

’\,y L y:

S® ® M j

What It's the Swiss

How did he become
president of the Katan-
gan Natlona] Bank?

||||

How could the Kantan* ^ ^
gese people elect such an n 1
irresponsible man to i|g J
head their bank? H! 1

What kind of man was
the last bank president

He was everything a
bank president should
be. He was a habitual
gambler, an excessive
drinker, he ran around
with loose women and he
had a long criminal
record.

Was the president a
gambler in stocks and

If he

sible, why did people do |||| |
business with the bank? ii|l§ i

When did you first sus
pect he was using the
bank to take bets?

What number won
todays

What number
did you have;

A man wanted to deposit
$5,000 in the bank and
the president said:
"Okay, we’ll cover it. FT

Was betting on the
horses his only racket?

No, he also took num

What are the new
banking hours?

Do you anticipate a run
on the bank?

What changes will this
loss of twenty million
dollars make in the
bank?

No, we've found a
safeguard against that
shorter banking hours.

Well, we'll have to lower
our interest rates.

Are you still giving
loans?

-'. ■■:■■ ■„■■: ■■. '■ :■ ■.■-■■ ■: ■ ■ '•■'■■,:* ■.■■.■■.■ ■„., : ■

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John Daly, genial host of CBS-TV’s award-winning “What’s My
Line?”, got a raise from his bosses but not without some haggling.
We can imagine what you have to go through to get a pay increase
from the network Vice-President on that show. To them, every¬
thing is a game. ..

Now, I'll whisper our
mystery challenger's
preoccupation to the
folks at home.

SCENE: TAP's office. Chairman is seated with Arlene
Francis, Dorothy Kiilgallen and Bennett Cerf on panel.
They are wearing masks.

Come in, mystery guest,
and sign in, please.

U/AXE up,

0ENIWETT

weI re

All right, panel; with the
information that our
mystery guest is salaried,
we'll begin our questioning
with Arlene Francis.

Does what you do help
someone or does it make
someone better off than if
you didn't do what you do?

Wait a minute. Let's have
a conference.

How does what you do
help someone?

Yes, but I don’t think you
can take sole responsibility
for that rating.

I made this show one of
the top ten on TV for
13 years.

Which question?

Panel, we'll have to give a
qualified “yes” to that
question.

• • ..

• • :

BfiMBMEia

Have we established that
he’s in show business?

what you do perform
ice or make someone
service feel better
;er you do it than
1 you do whatever
ou do?

I just asked
that question

(Panel takes off masks )

Bennett’s trying to What branch of service h
establish that he’s in 8 are you IN

the service.

Put your mask back on,
Dorothy, and we’ll go,

But he’s not
in the service,

We're going to bring law
and order to the west.

Daly by the sound the
chalk made on the
blackboard,

goodnight;

Dorothy.

Dorothy

MECHANIZATION

JJERE are some more winners in SICK’s
wind-up doll contest. We have had over
5,000 entries so far. Some readers have in¬
cluded drawings with their wind-up doll
entries. Other readers have stated that
rather than take the $2.00 prize money, they
would take a year’s subscription to SICK
magazine. These winners will be delighted
to see their entries illustrated in this issue.
One reader said he’d take a year's subscrip¬
tion to "Mad” in lieu of his prize money.
This runner-up was ruled ineligible because
he lives outside the territorial United States.
He lives in Newark, New Jersey. Start your
ou '}f contest , wise guy!

LOLITA DOLL

You wind it up and
you know why your parents
won’t let you have her.

LIZ TAYLOR DOLL

You wind it up and

it puts on a wedding dress,

takes it off,

puts it on,

takes it off

T HE most repeated wind-up dolls in the second
phase of the contest are:

RICHARD NIXON DOLL—you wind it up and it
retires, blows an election, doesn’t stop, cries, puts its
foot in its mouth, and goes into seclusion.

JACK PAAR DOLL—You wind it up and it cries,
walks out, plugs Nixon and threatens to stop winding.
BRIGITTE BARDOT AND GYPSY ROSE LEE
DOLL—You wind it up and it takes off its clothes. ,
NATALIE WOOD DOLL—You wind it up and it
becomes a GYPSY ROSE LEE DOLL.

LIZ TAYLOR DOLI^You wind it up and it steals
your husband, gets a divorce, breaks your home t
costs you a million and bankrupts youAudio, gets
married, gets SICK, gets a toothache, a backache,
double pneumonia, gets divorced, gels pregnant.
TED WILLIAMS DOLL—You wind it up and it
spits>

JOHN GLENN DOLL— You wind it up and it goes
into orbit.

FLOYD PATTERSON DOLL—You wind it up and
it falls down is counted out, hides.

MADE IN JAPAN DOLL

You wind it up and
it breaks

SICK EDITOR DOLL

You wind it up and
bolts fall out of its head

LETTERS THAT NEED ANSWERS

Some of the entries have funny requests with them.
For instance, Jack Hackmann, of 531 California
Street r Toledo 12, Ohio, says: “Send all money and
congratulations to this address.” Let’s all congratu¬
late Jack „ He’s a good loser.

Phil Batten of 505 Memorial Drive, ThomasviUe f
North Carolina ; asks that we send'his prize money in
a plain brown envelope as the tax collector’s on his
tail. Let’s all send a get-well note to Phil in a plain
brown envelope. We’ll expect to hear how you made
out , Phil. Write us your reply on a plain brown en¬
velope. Abraham Lincoln once wrote his address on
the back of a plain brown envelope and gave it to a
blonde girt She turned out to be John Wilkes Booth.

JOE KENNEDY DOLL

You wind it up and
it makes presidents

NEHRU DOLL

You wind it up and
it gasps

CHRISTINE iV
JORGENSON V
DOLL «£

You wind it up and
it changes its mind-
among other things

TV AD WRITER DOLL

You wind it up and
it insults your intelligence

JFK DOLL

You wind it up and
it goes ahead with vigah

David TopliU
69 HoJabird Avenue
Winsted, Conn.

Albert Favors
2231 West Grand
Detroit 38, Michigan

Arturo Tigero
8 Buckingham Street
Springfield, Mass.

C. P* Fitzgerald
69 Baron Avenue
Sault Ste* Marie, Ontario,

Canada

Ran Newman

698 Beechwood Drive

Weat wood, New Jersey

Vic Letoufneau

16 Columbia Avenue

West Warwick, Rhode Island

Tony Cooper
400 Amherst N.E.

Albuquerque, New Mexico

Jim Ingram
702 Westover Drive
Stanton, Virginia

Benjamin H. Ben all
97 Ellwood Street
New York 40,N.Y.

Margo Kuttler
450 West End Avenue
New York, N. Y.

Robert W. Harrington

218 Military Intelligence Detachment

Fort Bragg* North Carolina

(two winners)

Jay Lynch

19530 N.W, 11th Avenue
N, Miami, Florida

OSCAR LEVANT DOLL

You wind it up and
it falls apart

HUGH HEFFNER DOLL

You wind it up

if you can afford a key

JIMMY H0FFA DOLL

You wind it up and
it goes on trial and on trial
and on trial

GEORGE RAFT DOLL

You wind it up and
it makes late, late movies

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nviiw

You ever meet a psychiatrist on the
street? He says, “Hello, how are you?”
And as soon as you start to tell him, he
looks at his watch.

The statistics on people with mental

problems are frightening. Did you know

that one out of every ten Americans has

a serious mental problem and needs help

and understanding? And the other nine

Americans have serious mental problems

and are beyond help and understanding?

£ # #

My daddy has one just |
like it in his drawer. J

Chicago Cubs baseball star, Ernie Banks, has
gone into politics. Ernie's political idol is FDR.
That’s understandable, everyone knows what
FDR did for the banks .. .

Who is the girl you often see in a bus riding
in the seat directly behind the bus driver?
That’s the bus driver’s mother.

You remember those old ice boxes? You could
put a cake of ice in them and the ice box would

keep the ice cold for hours.«

* *

A group called the Alabama Extension Serv¬
ice suggests that placing new stockings in an
ice cube tray, covering them with cold water,
and freezing them, will make stockings last

three times longer. The service tested this with
300 pairs of stockings. We don’t know what the
Alabama Extension Service is, but we’d hate
to ever have to ask them for ice cubes.

* Ht *

A total of 6750 bulls were killed in Spanish
bull rings in 1962 while 250 toreadors were sent
to the hospital, Pretty frightening odds, if you
happen to be a bull. Let’s ask bull fighter Luis
Lopez about this fact:
sick: Luis, have you ever been gored?
luis : Yes, once. They let the bull go too soon.
SICK : Where did he gore you ?
luis : In my dressing room.
sick: When do most toreadors get gored?
luis : In the ring. No, actually the toreadors
have a large cape called the muletto. We also
have a small cape. It’s when we use the small
cape that we usually get gored.

SICK: What is this small cape called?
luis : We call it—the small cape.

* * *

We saw an ad that said: “Buy an auto -
matic dryer . Ft*8 like sending your laun~
dry to Bermuda for the winter ” If we
ever send our laundry to Bermuda for
the winter, we’ll be in it.

We don’t think the Mona Lisa is a good
name for a painting, but it’s a good song
title.

There’s a new organization, AAAAA—
it’s for people who want to be driven to
drink.

The way things are going in Europe,
the only thing left for the French people
to look up to is the Eiffel Tower.

Guy walked into a fancy hotel and asked the
clerk: “How much is change in here?”

They’ve finally invented a scale to weigh dust
—cosmic dust. The scale was invented to meas¬
ure dust in outer space. There is so much dust
in outer space they have to have a girl come in
twice a week. This new scale can detect weight
of a thousandth of a millionth of a gram. The
scientist who invented the scale is a strapping
six footer, but his wife is the tiniest, little girl
you ever saw.

ift # *

Queen Elizabeth’s correct title is: Elizabeth
the Second, by the Grace of God, Queen of the
United Kingdom of Great Britain and North¬
ern Ireland and her other Realms and Terri¬
tories, Head of the Commonwealth and Defend¬
er of the Faith. No wonder it takes her 20
minutes to sign a check.

Looks like the Rqyal Family—the Kennedy’s
—will soon have a court photographer, or is it
a photographer in court.

In Peoria, Illinois, a man named George
Washington was sentenced to one year in
jail for stealing eight pairs of trousers.
We know what you're wondering, but
you’re wrong. Mr. Washington of Peoria
does not have 16 legs.

She sat out more dances than the drummer.

The newest thing on the market is makeup
for men. It isn’t only for sissies. Many per¬
formers wear makeup. We know an actor who
has worn face makeup for years. Of course, he

doesn’t use it when he’s on stage.

* * *

LONDON—A diner came into Charlie Young’s
Hong Kong restaurant .and hung his coat over
a picture on the wall. A waiter asked why the
man did that. “ It’s a picture of Mao Tze-tung,”
the man said. “It’s not Mao,” replied the waiter.
“That's Charlie Young’s mother.” Police had
to come in to stop the melee that followed.

Today, the Britisher is more convinced than
ever that he was right about the picture. He
saw a newsreel of a Communist parade in
Peking and the paraders were carrying banners

with huge pictures of Charlie Young’s mother.
* * #

Jimmy Cannon told Arthur Godfrey
he would never marry a woman he
couldn’t take out with one punch.
Another Godfrey guest said he was 5'6"
and his wife was 5'9". Cannon com¬
mented: “There’s a match legalized by
the Church and the State and yet no
boxing commission in the world would
sanction it.”

* * *

What ever happened to Gascony? That was
the country in the old swashbuckling movies
where the true Dauphine was raised in igno¬
rance of his royal heritage. . Q

g\Cfc. S/CKwORLD

Since the latest assassination attempt
in Paris, intimates close to Premier De-
Gaulle are edging away.. .

We wouldn’t mind! having the Mona
Lisa in our home, but we couldn’t stand
those lines of people outside the house,
waiting to see her.

A featured work at the Hoffnung Con¬
cert in Albert Hall, London, was Malcolm
Arnold’s “Grand Overture for Three Vac¬
uum Cleaners, A Floor Polisher, Three
Rifles and a French Horn.” Upon leaving
the concert, one music lover was heard to

ask: “Why did he use the French Horn?”
* * *

Pan American World Airways booked
passage for a young Fijan girl whose
name is Miss Mourkuarkuarkuarkaur-
rier. We don’t feel as sorry for her as we
do for the poor guy who has to buy her an

identification bracelet.

* * *

A woman in Grand Rapids said she
qualified for jury duty because she
watched “Perry Mason” and “ The De¬
fenders” on TV. That’s nothing. A TV
fan of “Ben Casey ” and “Dr. Killdare ”
successfully performed a delicate brain
operation in Tallahassee last week. He
was Dr. Malcom Ward, noted neuro sur¬
geon.

We like the story about the surgeon
rushing through an operating room on his
way to an operation. The patient on an
operating table in the room, cries: “Help!
Help!” And the surgeon says: “Sorry,
that's not mu table.”

Don’t you just love those comedians
who laugh at their own jokes. It shows
they have a lot of confidence in their ma¬
terial. We know such a comic. He came
off stage after a bad show and told his
manager: “What do you mean, bad show?
There was a guy ringside who laughed at.
every line.” “Yea,” the manager snapped

back—“that w f as you!”

* * *

Guy on phone: “How much toil! you
give me for my car? It's an Edsel. You
may not believe this, but it’s a gas eater.
Yea, I want to dump the car. What’s that?
You suggest a bridge.”

ADVERTISING

TV COMMERCIAL

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stay out of your house for four weeks until the
fallout settles.

Folks, you’ve heard already how all those other
house cleansers are more powerful than a
tornado and wash away all stains like magic.
Well, tonight I want to introduce you to a new
cleanser which is the product of a new scientific
breakthrough called nuclear fission. It contains
the new ingredient Stronium 90.

BLAST OFF was developed at the Groter and
Partible Experimental Laboratory in Boise,
Idaho. Two weeks ago, an employee, George
Strattan, lit a match in the men’s room at the
G & P Experimental Laboratory in Boise, Idaho.
George Strattan hasn’t been seen or heard from
since. Nor has the G & P Experimental
Laboratory, or Boise, Idaho. > ■..

Improper use of BLAST OFF could not only
endanger your life but also the lives of everyone
in your neighborhood. This is not a toy, so for
God’s sake, keep it out of the reach of children.

Vic KftETliri

And get this, Ladies, BLAST
OFF is safe for your hands.

After you buy your first can of
BLAST OFF, please keep it in
a dry, dark place in your home.
We don’t want it to fall into
enemy hands. After using a
spoonful of BLAST OFF, throw
away the spoon.

BLAST OFF is the most
powerful cleanser ever put on
the market or anywhere else for ,
that matter.

; :

m A fhii WMB

Sj|S|

SICK'S

SICKEST

CCMIC

SICK caught up with that obnoxious entertainer, who works the niteclubs with
material gleaned from national disasters and personal tragedies. At present he is
working a routine on the return of Bay of Pigs prisoners, and victims of a mine
cave-in. Here’s the cave-in routine, if you have a strong stomach, as SICK gives
you -

Good evening, sports fans, this is your
roving reporter, Mike Macabre, waiting
outside a mine shaft in Perkins, Illinois,
where a major cave-in has just occurred,
Thirty-five miners, who were working this
mine, are trapped below us in Hong
Kong, China. Wait, they're bringing
someone up from the mine now, I can
see the stretcher. The man is burned and
covered with dirt and choking from the
gases. Excuse me, sir, is that one of the
victims of the mine cave in? "No, he's
a member of the rescue party,” I see.

There's a little boy standing beside me outside the mine
opening. Son, say hello to our TV audience of curiosity
seekers and tell them why you're waiting here.

My daddy's down there

I see, little boy. And do you want your
daddy to come home? BEUgg-

Come home, daddy.

That's the wonderful spirit the people of
Perkins have been displaying all through
this terrible tragedy. What is it, son?

All right, kid, you made your plea, now scram! Over here
I have a woman who has been waiting here patiently,
stoically for many hours outside the mine entrance. Perhaps^
she has a son, husband or sweetheart down below trapped in
the mine. Let's find out. Tell me, Madam,do you have a son,|
husband or sweetheart down there in shaft 75? No? Then ,
why are you waiting outside the mine? You like cave-ins?
There's always one sadist in the crowd, folks.

Wait a minute, they’re bringing someone
up from the mine. Oh, no, that's just
another member of the rescue squad.
They must be getting closer to the
trapped miners, fans. He was Chinese.

No, sir, I mean about the cave-in. You
had a similar disaster here at Perkins
before, didn’t you? When was that, sir?

Now, I see milling around in this crowd
serving coffee to the people waiting out
here, Mr. Millard Fredericks, safety
supervisor for the Perkins Mining
Company. Isn’t it terrible, Mr.
Fredericks? /M&

Last week.

Did you find the trapped miners on
that occasion, sir?”

We didn’t even find the mine.

What is being done to get the trapped
men back to safety, sir?

Sir, I understand the miners at Perkins
struck for more safety measures months
ago and won that strike. What were
those new safety measures?

Well. 18 cents
an hour isn’t
much.

‘Rescue teams are digging toward
them. But it's a slow process.”

‘I forgot. We did give
them an 18 cents
an hour raise ”

Digging tunnels to free the
miners is a slow process?

No, organizing rescue teams. Nobody
wants to go down there.”

Wait, folks, I see a man being carried out
on a stretcher to a waiting ambulance.

Is that a member of the rescue party,

Mr. Fredericks?

I just want to say it’s a heroic gesture on
your part distributing this coffee to the
many relatives waiting here outside
the mine.

It’s better than joining a rescue

Was he overcome by fumes from
the mine?

W E Americans love heroes; we are a nation
of hero-worshipers. Our heroes are pio¬
neers in any field of endeavor-men who risk
their lives presumably because they have fore¬
sight and courage. But did it ever occur to
you that these heroes might not have been too
bright? If a guy fights against overwhelming
odds* maybe he just can’t count.

HISTORICAL

Take Christopher Columbus—a big hero. They
even gave him a day. He said the world was
round. He said if you sailed on the Atlantic
Ocean long enough you would come to China.
He sailed on the Atlantic Ocean and landed in
the West Indies. He went ashore and said:
"This is China.’' If Columbus had landed in
Italy he would have called it China.

Columbus returned to Spain and announced,
I landed in China. And they agreed with him.
No, they're going to tell him he landed in the
West Indies? No one knew from the West In¬
dies. At least China, they knew.

That’s why, today, if you go to the West
Indies, you’ll find it’s loaded with Chinese res¬
taurants.

Take Charles Lindbergh, the Lone Eagle, In
his one-sea ter plane, The Spirit of St. Louis, he
flew solo from New York to Paris across the
Atlantic Ocean. This was smart? This took
brains? He could have taken a boat and met
some nice people. Maybe even made a few new
friends. It would take a little longer, but he
would have someone to talk to on the trip.
Lindbergh became an American hero of travel
because he was anti-social.

1b ee k

AU>N£.

George Washington crossed the Delaware
River in the middle of winter in an open boat
to get to Trenton, New Jersey. All right-to
get to Newark we could understand, but Tren¬
ton! We’ve heard of people leaving in the middle
of winter in open boats to get away from Tren¬
ton. This is the man we made our first President,
A man who spent his childhood chopping dowm
trees and then turning himself in for it. Al¬
though modern historians say the story of
Washington chopping down the cherry tree is
untrue. They say it was a myth...A mythtree...

(4 Am
CV40RRV
Pies/

HEROES

Take Vasco Balboa, another big hero of early
America. He discovered the Pacific Ocean. Is
the Pacific Ocean so tough to discover? It’s a
big ocean. You know how smart Balboa was?
It took him 25 years to discover the Pacific
Ocean. For the first 15 years he was looking
for it in Colorado. You go to Southern Cali¬
fornia and fall asleep some night on any beach.
You won’t have to discover the Pacific Ocean.
In the morning the Pacific Ocean will discover

YVEU^ THAIS
SHOW 3IZ.

Alexander Graham Bell, inventive genius that
he was, was not smart. He invented the tele¬
phone, but he didn’t make a dime. Somebody
else invented the pay phone. Do you have any
idea how much money there is in pay phones
right this minute? If Alexander Graham Bell
had made any money on the telephone, would
he be working on ‘'International Showtime’’
today?

one urne

Two urrte

-THR^ET W-T-flT

General George Custer and his small band
of 276 cavalrymen engaged in battle with fif¬
teen thousand Indians. General Custer com¬
pletely miscalculated the odds. He was a good
soldier but a lousy mathematician. He thought
that he had the Indian ounumbered. It’s true.
When the Sioux indians started the last attack
that was to completely wipe out the cavalrymen,
General Custer’s last command to his men was:
“Don’t take any 'prisoners.”

And in the Revolutionary War, when British
frigates had been shelling and battering and
bombarding the Bonhomme Richard for 10
solid hours-ten hours of shelling, battering and
bombarding without let-up. And then, Captain
John Paul Jones stood on the bridge of his ves¬
sel and shouted : W J have just begun to fight!”

Where was he for the past ten hours? Down
in his cabin boozing it up? For this, they made
him a naval hero.

expensive,

How about that other great naval hero, Com¬
mander James Lawrence, who shouted "Don’t
give up the ship!” to the men of the U.S.S.
Chesapeake? Lawrence shouted it to the men
aboard the Chesapeake from a rowboat while
he was frantically rowing for shore.

It’s not true Navy captains always go down
with their ship—those are submarine captains.

We have our current national heroes, too—
the astronauts who go up into space-Sheppard,
Glenn, Grissom. Have you noticed something-
all our astronauts are married men. Not just
married men but married men with families.

Do you know what a relief it is for a married
man with children to get away alone by him¬
self, even for just a little while? Believe us,
when we put those astronauts in that little
capsule, we’re doing them a favor.

GAP-,
NOf A
PHONE
Awy

Soon, we will have a new national hero when
we send the first man to the moon. He’ll be a
married man. We don’t know when the first
trip to the moon will be made, but we can tell
you what the astronaut’s wife will say to him
before he takes off. Her exact words will be:
"Call me when you get there."

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Sin

Successful politicians have one talent in common—their great
ability for being evasive. Mayor Robert Wagner of New York City
possesses a great amount of this talent. We can just imagine how
the Mayor of any big city (such as New York) would handle the
following situation in his wonderful, evasive manner.

Flood Hits New York

Well, I don't like to call
it an emergency, Tom.
Just a little water ...

gency

Doesn't the city have any
plans to get rid of the
water ? Most of the city
is under 25 feet right
now?

Will the flood subside,

Have you visited the
disaster area, Mr.
Mayor?

We’ll just have to wait
and see, Tom.

I don’t like to use that
word, Tom.

Disaster?

See if it turns to ice

No, area. During the
flood, let’s just say that
New York City is a
Water Festival.

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Mr. Mayor, will the flood* The water commissioner
spread to the East side? I tells me the East side is
—\ gii a yas s* ^S downhill. And as you
iH know, Tom. water runs
" $■¥ downhill.

How is the evacuation
going on the West side?

Very well. It’s truly
amazing, I understand
they’re getting as many
as 45 families in one
rowboat.

Well, Tom, I’m glad you
asked that. There was a
traffic problem, but
Commissioner Barnes
assures me that cross¬
town traffic is now back
to normal—It’s at a
standstill.

Mr. Mayor, there is talk
that the flood was caused
by bossism in city
government. Is that
true?

I hadn’t heard that, Tom

But let me say this-I
don’t want to make this
flood a political football

... If we don’t get money
from Albany, our hands
are tied.

Please, Tom, you know fe
these things take time. Ill

Thousands of commuters
were in the West side
subway when the flood
hit. Is there any hope for
them ?

There's always hope,
Tom. I have good news
for New York subway
riders: there will not
be a hike in the 15 cent
fare this year.

Mr. Mayor, the flood
situation is more serious
because the city's fire
department is out on
strike. Are there any
signs of a settlement in
the firement's strike
which has crippled the
city for the past 11
months?

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Mansion last night. Is K^iPgg

■ rfjWhaThappened at the
I® all-night session, sir?

Yes, due to the flood,
alternate side of the
street parking regula
tions will not be in
effect.

I understand you have
an important announce¬
ment for West side
residents during the

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movie review

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TW JE SAW one of the most fantastic Biblical
%; * 1 l i?*« * **"W. speetttctes dver sAouMi oft a motion picture ,
scree** last jcecfc.

Tufas Bulba-that’s the name of the theater
manager whefe we saw the ’picture. Sodom and
-3««re the usherettes, MarfoHS
Sodum and Gomorrah Schwartz. They agreed %
with us that it was one of the great epics of all
time.

Sportams, New York, is where we Sam the
picture. The name of the picture was “JOSEPH
AND HIS BEET HERN,” We went to see it became
we thought it was about the Kennedy family.

It teas.

Our movie this week is a tear movie. The
scene iaeuSed to Jove inwar moviesims the one -
in which the American sub captain has his sub

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WT^HE LONGEST DAY,” named after Doris Day’s
A oldest child, took nine months to film. Darryl Zan-
uck could have had a baby in the same time if Darryl
Zanuck could have babies. In the attack on Normandy
Beach, Zanuck used 2,000 extras. They waited three
months to assemble all the extras for that scene because
Zanuck insisted there would have to be a British extra
for every American extra he put in the field.

Zanuck used the Sixth fleet of the United States Navy
in the film. The Sixth Fleet is now back with the Navy
patrolling the Mediterranean area on loan from Zanuck.
Zanuck did a superb job transferring Cornelius Ryan’s
best-selling novel to the screen, but we would have liked
to see it done as a musical.

So, in the scene where Peter Lawford and his men
approach a dry aqueduct, they would sing the hit song:

►

Fabian, Tommy Sands
and Bob Wagner play in¬
fantrymen who have the
usual jitters as their LST
approaches the beach.
Tommy is worried about
camera close-ups because
his hair is unruly and he
has left behind the shor¬
tening he uses as a hair
conditioner. Then, he
sings his lament: “I Left
My Part in a Can of
Criseo.”

What kind of pool am I?

That a Kennedy never fell into.

It seems that Pm the only pool—
Who’s never been in Who’s Who ...

What kind of hole is this—

With no water at all?

An empty stall—

Into which no diplomat will fall ...

What kind of shell am I?

That never held JFK.

That never saw little Caroline,
splashing about in play.

Why can’t I fill with rain,

And be as big as Boulder Dam,
And maybe then, they’ll know
What a kind pool I am ....

I’m going to see if my ^T,
brother-in-law can't declare
. this a disaster area. Jmt

sinking. It works eyefyiime.'’

Above m the sea, the German destroyer cap¬
tain sees the oil stiek arid the cwps and rags
floating to the surface &nd he jubilantly an¬
nounces to his crew : “Achtung! Achtungf Now
hear this. l.thbiksee mnk an

American Texaco station**'

lying still at the bottom of the ocean while the
German destroyer is overhead dropping depth
charges/ - ,, •, «* 0 ••

The U.S. Navy captain orders his men to send
up an oil slick and shoot caps, rags and other
parts of clothing out of the torpedo tubes . The
captain explain his strange maneuver to his
men: “They'll think they’ve hit us and we’re

r Our first job is to build a
rest room. My orders are to ^
k establish a beachhead.

I know how this war turns
out. I read the book.

Once on the beach, Bob Mitchum leads his
men into action. He is worried about the be¬
havior of one of his subordinates who sings the
lilting “Maria, I just met a guy named Maria."

Bob Wagner is wounded on the beach by a
shell whichexplodes when he, holds it .tip- to his
ear to aee if he can hear th® ocean. Fabian sym¬
pathizes with him with the haunting refrain:
“There were shells everywhere,

"Mm%. couldn’t hear theip&^ploding,
■'■N&dwjimldn't hem,.t mmM all .

- 'Tildie fdt yowjL’ S»

I thought YOU
were watching.

ic I ■ Set-, ^

Fabian portrays a Ranger who rides alone be¬
cause he likes people, but people don|t like him.
From his position up in a tree, he brings us the
movie’s beautiful ballad:

“The Autumn leaves drift by my helmet.
The Autumn leaves; what tears they bring,

The Autumn leaves fill my heart with sadness ,
Because I was dropped here, early last
Spring ...”

Meanwhile, Paul Anka and
Tommy Sands are still pinned
down in a slit trench on the
beach, where German machine
gunners are trying to write love
letters in Sands. Paul sings to
Tommy:

“If ever I should leave you.

It won’t be without cover.
Because If I don’t get cover.
I’ll never go . ,.

Tommy replies with the haunting:
“Smile though your heart is
breaking ,

Smile, Cause the nose-job
you’re taking.

Will prove worthwhile.

It will make you look so
in style."

Perhaps the most touching moment in the film
comes when Private Jeffrey Hunter hears the call
of nature on the battlefield and finally finds an
abandoned and welcome shellhole. He sings the
poignant:

“Go away, Little Girl,

Please Go away, Little Girl..."

You think we can 2
shoot our way out
of here? '

Irina Demish plays a French
girl, who is a member of the Re¬
sistance. Judging from the film,
the Resistance was very weak.
She attempts to impress the
Allies on the need for opening a
second front as the German f
guards sing: “Hey, Don’t Bend
Over, You’ll Fall on Your Ear."

Another resistance worker attacks a German
guard and in the hassle, she vocalizes:

“As long as he knees me,
close to him I’ll be.

If he uses his elbow.

I’ll have to hit him low.”

The guard replies with the Congolese saloon
standard:

“You’re Nobody Until Tsombe
Loves You.”

Still back on the beach, Robert Mitchum
rallies his men over the fortifications with the
rousing:

“Climb Yves Montand,

Cross John Payne,

Follow Leo Durocher, Until You
Reach Alsace Lorraine.”

John Wayne a veteran of the Pacific war and
today a champion against the red Chinese, raises
his voice and sings: “Mao Acquaintance Be For¬
got” as his men sing the traditional: “The Last
Time I saw Julie Harris.”

Rommel, the Desert Fox, designed the forti¬
fications for Normandy beach. The Allies wanted
to capture Rommel in the worst way. On D-Day
they sent the coded message, “The Quick Brown
Fox Jumped Over the Moon” which meant the
teletype was working all right,

Red Buttons is shot in the foot and doctors
want to amputate, but he refuses as he harmo¬
nizes: “They Can’t Take That Away From Me.”

SUMMING UP: Good movie especially since
Zanuck refused to use any newsreel footage of
the D-Day landing on Normandy Beach. The light
was very bad that day so they didn't take many
pictures. It rained in Normandy on D-Day. That’s
why Rommel didn’t expect the attack. It was
such a miserable day, he didn’t think anyone
would go to the beach.

And, in Miami Beach, firemen rushed into a
drugstore that was on fire only to be greeted by
a series of small explosions. Then, they found
themselves drowning in a sea of hair spray
from Aerosol bombs that had exploded in the

It was a tough month for firemen. In Ber¬
wick, England, two firemen rescued a sheep by
lowering themselves 45 feet down a cliff where
the sheep had been chased onto a ledge by a
dog. When the sheep was released, the same
dog chased it back down the same ledge and
the firemen had to be lowered down the cliff
again. This time after they freed the sheep, the
firemen berated and yelled at the dog to frighten
him so he wouldn't repeat the attack. After the
firemen left, the sheep chased the dog down
the ledge.

The firemen were ruffled from the experience
but their hair stayed in place for hours after¬
wards without resetting.

105th birthday while she was hard at work in
her dairy.

In Lowestoft, England, Mrs. Ada Roe re¬
ceived congratulations from the Queen on her

Happy Birthday to a
FeHow Worker.

What do you
hear, Manuel?

It’s still breathing. Hand
me my torch.

That won’t work. My
hacksaw... the hatchet
... still, nothing... We’l
have to use dynamite.

But, Manuel, you never
used dynamite before!

Just do as I say, put the
sticks all around the safe
and light the fuse.

• 1 ; i ■'

1 . ~- r +m.. "’ ..* : . :■/ v •:■/ ‘^...

For best original screen jfw
play taken from Danish |
history, William 1

Shakespeare wins an EL
Academy Award for his gS
“Hamlet 1 ' Accepting for “
Mr. Shakespeare, p

Mr. Francis Bacon.

In Lisbon, Spain, Manuel Olivere, the world’s
greatest safe-cracker, pulled his last caper...
Olivere had used precision instruments to
spring safes open all over Europe.

This is research physicist, Dr. Harmon Car-
stairs. Dr. Carstairs has discovered a new drug
to fight heart disease. Dr. Carstairs, will you
tell us how you made this amazing discovery?

Eugene O’Neill, who died in 1953, has been
nominated for an Oscar for his “Long Day’s
Journey Into Night” in the category of “screen-

E lay taken from another medium.” We wouldn’t
e surprised if O’Neill won the Oscar. We would
be surprised if he were there to accept it.

NEWS BRIEFS [cont]

Wanted: TIGHTROPE WALKER

An ad ran in the London Times recently that have own rope. Highest references essential/'
stated: "Tightrope walker, musically inclined, We wonder how you interview a guy who is

required to walk indoors next weekend. Must applying for that job:

igllll 1

I, ;. >i\ W-'- „■ ' “■

•> '

■ :■ ■ ■■ \\\v ;

I'm curious
become a t

Tell me, do you carry
an umbrella?

You start with a very wide
rope and work down, I
started very young. As a
boy r I used to walk my
mother's clothesline. Then,

clothesline. My father was
a tightrope watker, but
drink killed him.

There’s a saying in the
circus: “Give a tightrope
walker enough rope and
he'll hang it between
two sticks."

What's the difference
between a tightrope walker
and a high wire walker?

one night my father
tight and the rope wasn’t

Iking hard work?

One walks a tightrope and
the other walks a high wire.

Well, I’m on my feet all day,
But I guess its in my blood.

Highest references are
required for this job.
What’s the highest
reference you can get?

I know an aerialist He goes
as high as 90 feet, fs
that high enough?

How stupid of me. But 19 Any message that goes
what’s a high wire? H over 16 words.

I suppose it will have to do.
Pity you don't know any
stunt pilots.

i U?L Ink?

i i '

tightrc

jpe-wa

EXHIBITIONS

Headline: NEW YORK PREPARES FOR 1964 WORLD’S FAIR

Office of Robert Moses, President of the Fair

i;'" A kv

W&wmywwm j ;

Mr. Moses, I have
important news.

Oh, no? You should see
some of the crates they've
been unloading.

The Russian Pavilion is in
the shape of a missile base.

That doesn't mean they’ll
have offensive weapons
in the pavilion!

The committee just
received the plans for the
Russian Pavilion at the
World's Fair.

Yes r so
what?

Headline: MONA LISA ON VIEW AT NEW YORK MUSEUM

Precinct 35, Sergeant
Brannagan speaking.

This is Mr, Townsend of
the New York Metropolitan
Museum, Sergeant, you've
got to help me! You've just
got to help me!

The painting, f opened the
Museum this morning,
and it was gone!

Now, calm down, Mr.
Townsend. What's the
trouble?

We If do our best. Now,
Mr. Townsend, can you
describe it to me?

LITERATURE _

£toa?tei> (sXmp&933

When SICK, the Family Magazine—the Kennedy Family reads us—(What
was the subject of this sentence?) Oh, yea, SICK printed political comics
in our last issue (and you know it could be our last issue), we got a letter
from Cyprus praising our version of Superman, We only mention this because
someone in the office stole the stamps off the envelope. It’s hard for us to realize
that American comic books, like American dollars go all over the world. For
instance, here is what Superman looks like in Israel-

Art by Vic Martin

IN THE CITY ROOM OF THE DAILY FORWARD.

SORRY, CLARK, I'M MEETING
MY GIRL FRIEND, ROCHELLE,

I AT RAINER'S. -

HOWS ABOUT
LUNCH, LOiSf

YOU MISUNDERSTAND. DON’T ASK...
I’M A REPORTER, I ) NEXT WEEK
HEAR THE MAirOH /I'M SHOWING
IS GIVING you j/my new spring-
trouble. LINE TO BUYERS

^ THE 5TORY THUS FAR:

SHLEPERMAN CAME. TO
EARTH FROM THE PLANET
KREPLACH. HE TOOK THE DISGUISE
OF A MASHUGENA REPORTER, CLARK
KLEIN, WHO WORKS ON THE DAILY
FORWARD WITH LOIS LEVY IN HAIFA...

AFQLQGiES TO flM T* Off At. CQMfCS

OFFICE OF SUMMER FROCKS.

HJTS, X WAS *vYOU BETTER GET DOWN
GOING TO TAKE \ TO THE GARMENT
YOU FOR DAtRY J PISTRlCT ANP CHECK
AT THE KOSHER /OH REPORTS OF THE
KITCHEN. J—^MATZOH PROTECTION

RACKET THAT IS T ERROR] 2-

\ me EI6H7H avenue.

MR, FROCKS, I'M HERE X ALREADY
ID SEE you ABOUT J GAVE THIS
THE PROTECTION
you‘RE PAYING. JmW&>

IlilllilS;

WHO LET YOU IN
THIS 15 A BAR-
MI TZVAH, NOT A
COSTUME BALL.

MEN'S

FURNISHINGS

THEN, AS 5HLEPERMAN, HE SETS OUT TO BREAK THE MATZOH,

Home of matzoh boss, irving irving.

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